Frustrated

07/29/13  Earlier today I was extremely frustrated.  Frustrated at so many things.  As I have said before, this business is a crazy rollercoaster.  In the morning I was super excited for new opportunities and for things to be picking up slightly.  Excited for a few new gigs I have recently auditioned for.  Excited for the new seasons of my regular shows to be filming again.  Excited to learn a new Shakespeare monologue.  And then around lunch time, excitement gave way to frustration.  Frustration because I cannot be involved in everything I would like to right now, because things are really expensive out here.  Frustrated because slow season is still not completely over.  Frustrated because I really enjoy theatre and it pays the least out of basically everything.  Frustrated because I waited to follow my dreams.  Frustrated because I want to do more and audition more and work more and make more money and so many more things.  Endless frustration.  Frustrated because I have known what I wanted to do since about the fourth grade and then really solidified what I wanted to do by sixth grade, but somehow was pushed to do other things and go in other directions.  I am extremely grateful for everything I have had the opportunity to do from the time I was little.  Piano lessons, voice lessons, etc.  However, even from a young age, maybe the fourth grade, I knew what I wanted to do and I knew how much work it would take.  I wanted to take additional classes and audition and do more even as a youngster but was not allowed to or not encouraged to or pushed to do other things.  Not sure what the reason was.  Looking back, I have a lot of resentment for things like this.  If only...If only I was taking classes since I was in the fourth grade...If only I was auditioning since the fourth grade...If only I had moved to NY halfway through college like planned...If only had had started following my dreams right when I wanted to right after college...There are a million scenarios that I have played over and over again and again in my head and that is what leads to my frustration.  However, today, something changed a bit, and it brings me to tears as I am even writing this, I have decided to let go of that resentment and let go of the past and move forward.  I may never know the reasons for the choices made in the past as I was a child or even fully when I decided not to transfer in college, but what I do know now is that my reason for letting go of the past is so I am able to move forward.  Letting go just as breathing in and out and moving forward, that is a conscience decision I made today and not surprisingly, I do not feel frustrated anymore, I feel excited. 

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