07/29/13 Earlier today I was extremely frustrated. Frustrated at so many things. As I have said before, this business is a crazy rollercoaster. In the morning I was super excited for new opportunities and for things to be picking up slightly. Excited for a few new gigs I have recently auditioned for. Excited for the new seasons of my regular shows to be filming again. Excited to learn a new Shakespeare monologue. And then around lunch time, excitement gave way to frustration. Frustration because I cannot be involved in everything I would like to right now, because things are really expensive out here. Frustrated because slow season is still not completely over. Frustrated because I really enjoy theatre and it pays the least out of basically everything. Frustrated because I waited to follow my dreams. Frustrated because I want to do more and audition more and work more and make more money and so many more things. Endless frustration. Frustrated because I have known what I wanted to do since about the fourth grade and then really solidified what I wanted to do by sixth grade, but somehow was pushed to do other things and go in other directions. I am extremely grateful for everything I have had the opportunity to do from the time I was little. Piano lessons, voice lessons, etc. However, even from a young age, maybe the fourth grade, I knew what I wanted to do and I knew how much work it would take. I wanted to take additional classes and audition and do more even as a youngster but was not allowed to or not encouraged to or pushed to do other things. Not sure what the reason was. Looking back, I have a lot of resentment for things like this. If only...If only I was taking classes since I was in the fourth grade...If only I was auditioning since the fourth grade...If only I had moved to NY halfway through college like planned...If only had had started following my dreams right when I wanted to right after college...There are a million scenarios that I have played over and over again and again in my head and that is what leads to my frustration. However, today, something changed a bit, and it brings me to tears as I am even writing this, I have decided to let go of that resentment and let go of the past and move forward. I may never know the reasons for the choices made in the past as I was a child or even fully when I decided not to transfer in college, but what I do know now is that my reason for letting go of the past is so I am able to move forward. Letting go just as breathing in and out and moving forward, that is a conscience decision I made today and not surprisingly, I do not feel frustrated anymore, I feel excited.